The Cough

I play a lot of scary games and love scary movies but when the neighbor nearby starts coughing the first thing I think about is whether the door is locked. I have never heard a cough like that. It’s like he’a infected. I hope he doesn’t turn into a zombie.

Snowden Offers to Fix Healthcare.gov

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The N.S.A. leaker Edward Snowden today reached out to the United States government, offering to fix its troubled healthcare.gov Web site in exchange for immunity from prosecution.

Speaking from an undisclosed location in Russia, Mr. Snowden said he hacked the Web site over the weekend and thinks he is “pretty sure what the problem is.”

“Look, this thing was built terribly,” he said. “It’s a government Web site, O.K.?”

Mr. Snowden said that if an immunity deal can be worked out, “I can get to work on this thing right away—I don’t need a password.”

In addition to full immunity, Mr. Snowden said he is requesting that he be allowed to work from home.

At the White House, President Obama offered a muted response to Mr. Snowden’s proposal: “Edward Snowden is a traitor who has compromised our national security. Having said that, if he knows why we keep getting those error messages, that could be a conversation.”

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ
[www.thenewyorker.com]

The Fraud Puppet

The Fraud fakes it until it makes it. It has no inspiration, nor does it see the value in what it’s doing. All it can do is force itself to like the task. In a colorless world, concealed in bright tints, the truth lies elsewhere.

True Love

If you really loved each other you wouldn’t need a ring or a vow to keep it together. Much like how a virtuous person shouldn’t have to look in the mirror each morning and say, “I will not kill anyone today”.

The Free Press

A free press is fundamental to a free society, and the free flow of information is essential to having an informed public making decisions about how they want to be governed.

[From the NY Times]

Zelda’s Creepy Pasta

Have you ever read that Creepy Pasta about Majora’s mask? It’s basically a story about a college student who buys a corrupt MM cartridge that terrorizes and haunts his life. He gets so disillusioned that the two worlds come together and he becomes unable to escape the fact that something from the game world is stalking him and wants him dead.

It would be cool if they made a Zelda game like this where somehow a college student and Link, who is controlled by the college student, were being stalked by some strange presence that existed in the game world but also seemed to somehow know the outer worldーthe one outside the tvーexisted too.

The story could jump back and forth between the characters and have different gameplay in both worlds. The actions in one world could influence and affect what happens in the other, like the worlds could come together in subtle ways. For instance, maybe the college student is so upset and disillusioned with what is happening to him, and his disbelief that it can’t be real, that he starts to cry on his bed, and later when he starts playing Zelda U on his Wii U he finds Link crying on his bed, or when he enters Link’s room in the game he finds the bed is wet with tears.

The story could lead to a point where the college student can no longer distinguish the two worlds and everything that happens in one influences the other, and that becomes one of the key gameplay mechanics. Essentially, Link and the college student, and the two corresponding worlds would all become one, in a sense.

The gameplay in the two worlds could make use of the two worlds simultaneously at times with one world on the tv and the other on the gamepad. Looking at them both at the same time would be the only way to solve some puzzles due to the short lived results of the actions you perform. Maybe there’s a bee that you catch and need to see where it leads. You catch it in the college student’s world and then release it, and then it appears in the game a moment later and you follow it as Link to somewhere that you need to go.

It would be strange and creepy, filled with lots of horror elements, humorous ones too, and weird unexpected twists and consequences at every corner. The translations of the actions in one world wouldn’t always be the way you would think they would be in the other and would give rise to some unexpected revelations.

Anyways, the idea of the coming together of worlds is always a weird and interesting theme to explore, and we would also have the coming together of characters, which would allow for some nice consequences. I’d love it if they made a game like this. It could keep a lot of the old elements of Zelda along with creating a whole bunch of new ones

Light Years Away

A star drifts far out in the universe, 13 billion light years away. All that’s known for sure is that it was 13 billion light years away, because the present here is 13 billion years out of touch with the present there.

The Windowsill

A stranger on the street asked me for the time, so I pulled out my phone. Blood began dripping down my fingers, seeping out from the inner circuit boards, I suppose.

I licked my finger tips and smiled, “Sorry, my phone’s dead”.

It didn’t move at all and just kind of hung upside down, like it wasn’t anywhere, just kind of there.

Sometimes I imagine having pride, dignity, integrity, and the likes, but then I always remember that bloody lips and being me is cuter and more attractive. Somehow it seems to focus everything into perspective more.

I noticed a pin-wheel spinning on the windowsill, outside a flower shop. It didn’t make a sound, but I knew that if I went inside it would.

Colours flickered in the air and went fuzzy, then disappeared, only to reappear sometime later. Now if only I could make it dripping wet, and red, like my dead painting at home, bleeding on the floor.

But I could, and I did, and soon it was, several screams later. Not to worry, the old lady in the flower shop was well overdue, trust me.

She was telling me about how she’ll soon be 100 years old, and attributed her youthful look to olive oil. Perhaps, yes, but, most likely, noーfrom her appearance you would have thought she was at least 200, give or take.

I dare say adults these days have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s the experiences that delude them, yet, they’ll say it makes them all the wiser. It really depends on how you interpret the images and textures, the figments, I guess.

Everything is as you want it to be. Really, you wish it to be, and poof, there it is, and maybe it isn’t. Oops, it’s gone.

I sat there looking out into the orange hazy day, spinning the pinwheel in circles. I hadn’t yet decided what to do with Ms Olive Oil, when suddenly a customer arrived,

“Oh dear lord! Is Miss Withers okay?”.

I came out smiling after licking my fingers, “She’s not sleeping, not to worry. You’ll meet her soon”.

Upon seeing my stained clothes, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and focused directly on me. “It’s just chocolate, not to worry”, I told him.

I was touching myself, a portrait of something else, blanking out the true images. He forgot all about the old lady and came at me.

I returned to the pinwheel, a short while later. It’s so difficult to decide what to do with these lives. So many choices, and such little time. Should I put them in the closet? Bury them? Sell them to the butcher? Oh what should I do?!

Time isn’t something you catch. It’s not a fish, but it’s something you can make, and create.

It’ll stretch on and on if you make the right choices, but who knows where those are, and if you can even imagine them. I know I certainly can’t.

I was blowing on the pinwheel now, faster and faster it went spinning, blood squirting and spilling. It went from two, to three, and then suddenly shot off to infinity.

Up in the hanging stars. This is the stuff dreams are made of. I stopped at the windowsill for a moment, and smiled back at Miss Withers and Mr Giggles.

I lied. Yeah, I’m a joker. They were still there, conversing and sharing feelings. I’m obsessed with liquids, but I much prefer watching others take breaths, or gasp frantically, at least. She’s a youthful old broom, and he a character.

The shop was now behind me, lost in the shadows, blurring into the past, the stars dangling on strings, scissors in my hands.

I was wondering about things, kinda lost, when suddenly a cute, messy, little stranger appeared on the street. He asked me for the time, so I pulled out my phone.
Blood began dripping down my fingers, seeping out from the inner circuit boards.

I licked my finger tips and smiled, “Oops, it’s dead”.

It didn’t move at all and just kind of hung upside down, like it wasn’t anywhere, just kind of there.

Oh, did I say stranger?ーI meant strangler. My mistake.